How to Deal with Defiance in Children Who Have Experienced Trauma

"No, I don't feel like it."  That was the response I got a few weeks ago when I asked my adopted son to take a shower.  I had prepared him ahead of time, given him a five minute warning, and had retrieved his clothing to make it easier.  Still, he was "defying" me.  Why?

For a stranger watching this exchange, you may have thought I was too lenient in my response when I replied, "Okay, I'm going to ask you again in five minutes."  When we signed up for our foster parent program I would have laughed at such a response. If you knew my son however, and the dark issues of trauma that surround his past, you would know something deeper was at work here.

Traumatized children are sometimes hard to read.  We make assumptions about them that are untrue based on our own perceptions.  The biggest thing I have learned about dealing with what looks like defiance in my adopted children is that things are often not what they seem.  If I can keep my cool long enough to get to the heart of the matter, scenarios like this one do not escalate and my kids are happier, and more relaxed.  In addition, they have fewer discipline problems.  Not because I ignore their
issues (they aren't the type of issues that can be ignored!) but because I approach my children with understanding and mercy.

So what did I do about the shower?  First, I considered the situation.  We were up late the night before and often that means my son has urinated in his pull-up.  He has a distended bowel due to anxiety (former foster kids often have anxiety issues) and
late nights can mean he has feces in his pants as well.  This makes him embarrassed, especially since he doesn't have the small motor skills to clean himself up properly. Usually when he refuses to take a shower it means he needs help but is too embarrassed to ask.  When the timer beeped I made sure we were out of earshot of his siblings and quietly asked him if he needed help getting cleaned up.  He nodded and went immediately to the bathroom.

This issue was not defiance at all--it was a simple matter of embarrassment.  If I had treated it as defiance (which I am sad to report, I have in the past) it would only have damaged my relationship with my son and we would not have solved anything. He may have been clean, but our relationship may have needed repairing.  One step forward, two steps back.

Know your child.  Know his issues.  Learn his heart and lead him to the love you have for him.